Memo to the Indian Staff by their offshore head-office HR

This offensive piece of memo has just come into my email inbox from a friend of mine who works for this corporate house.

Please read and be offended.

This is a REAL MEMO from a HR Director in Redmond, WA to its staff of Indian Origin. Every word here is kept intact without alteration.

MEMO TO INDIAN STAFF

In view of the large number of Indians working in the USA, UK and many other countries with White People, it has become important for Human Resources Department to issue directives to their Indian staff.

TO ALL HINDI-SPEAKING STAFF
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and colleagues.
Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:

1. Words like CHUTIYA, GANDU and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say CHUTIYE, AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO when someone makes a mistake, or MADAR CHOD, BHENCHOD when a major mistake has been made. All forms derived from the verb CHOD are inappropriate in our environment.

2. No project manager, section head or administrator, under any circumstances, will be referred to as GADHA or CHUTIYA. Lack of determination will not be referred to as KAAMCHOR SAALA and neither will persons who lack initiative be referred to as BHOSADIKAA or MADARCHOD.

3. Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to as GAND FAADU, if a person is persistent, or if a task is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way, do not use GAND FATI, if a colleague is going through a difficult situation.

4. Furthermore, you must not say BHOSADE MEIN GAYA when matters become complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say DIMAG KI MAA BHEN MAT KAR. Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with BOL TERI GAND KAISE MARU.

5. When things get tough, an acceptable_expression such as 'We are going through a difficult time' should be used, rather than MAA CHUDI PADI HAI or GOTI MUH MEIN HAI.

6. No salary increase shall be ever referred to as KHAIRAAT BAATI JAA RAHI HAI KYA. Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners as BUDDHA KHOOSAT.

7. Last, but not least, after reading this memo, please do not say: YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI.

We hope you will keep these directions in mind.
Sincerely,
Steve Rider
Human Resources